The “Con” in Consent and Other Agreements!
“con” as found in consent – is also known as to deceive, bamboozle (love that), swindle, cheat, fool, mislead, sweet-talk, trick, double-cross and rip-off. It dates back to the 1500’s which was frequently used in establishing the “pros and cons” of something which, going back to its roots, means that “con” is against, in opposition to and opposed to.
“con-sent” comes from the Latin “comsentire” – “com” = with and “sentire” = to feel in other words to feel together, agree or give permission.
The weakness in “con-sent” is that the content of the “con” can be stronger than, or even work against, the feeling of together-ness and mutual agreement. “Con” can be you giving someone, albeit unwittingly (unintentionally), the permission to “con” you. Or someone can allow you to do something but work against you and hold you in contempt (mock, scorn or be disrespectful).
And then, more often than not, the agreement becomes a “dis”. Con-sent ends in dis-agreement, dis-con-tent, dis-approval, dis-sent, dis-pute, an eventual dis-allowance filled with regret and dis-appointment that leads to dis-integration of all that was meant and intended well. Ouch!
Think about this when negotiating or trying to reach consensus with individuals and also with close friends or family members. A lot of agree-ing might be happening only because the need to be liked or accepted is greater than the possible dis-satisfaction later.
Consider the amount of “con” you communicate and con-tribute in your interactions and activities. If there is more dis-appointment and dis-sent than you care to deal with, you can change the way you say “yes” to things.
Want to know more? Contact me here. Remember: words have power and the right words empower!
It’s never too late to come in with my kick-butt how-to-achieve-everything-you-want-to-achieve-in-2018 tips! So, here’s a Poem, a Parable, some to do’s and tips. Grab a pencil and let’s do this!
My advice? #ratherlatethannever
Make a list of what you think you should or think you’re supposed to be doing.
Now think about what you would rather be doing. Remember energy flows where your attention goes.
Make a list of the things you dream of and the things you want to be doing.
And now think about what you really should be doing.
Somewhere between what you want to be doing and what you really should be doing lies your magic (happiness, fulfilment, sexy-ness). You’ve got to get your butt out of your “what you think you should be doing” zone.
Really. No amount of life hacks, planning, setting goals or other such exercises are going to prove useful if you base them on imperatives like should, must, have to and ought to. You don’t like it when others tell you what to do, so why are you using the same tone of voice on yourself? The only thing that is going to happen is your sub-conscious kicking into resistance mode!
I get that there will always be things which we are absolutely obliged to do but, for example, staying in a job that makes you lose color and drag your feet to work in the morning just because it feeds the family is not one of those things. You think you might be providing the best for your loved ones but what is your compliance, conformity, bad mood, passivity, frustration and complaining really putting on the table?
The sweet things in life?
Really? I don’t think so. Watch this.
Be warned: It’s heartbreaking.
Life hacks and goals don’t work if you haven’t got you own shit sorted first. Time to think about undoing some of the stuff you’ve been attempting. Year after year. Year after every New Year.
Start the great un-do-ing! Do it now – you are never (really) going to feel like it and I get you, overwhelm is scary, but it is also normal, so get going with the undoing.
Drop your idea of “s.m.a.r.t.” goals. (Only) Use the acronym as a guideline – if you must.
Stop producing clean straight timelines.
Quit drawing upward arrows with nowhere to go at the end of the page.
Life is neither a “smart” goal, nor a straight line, nor a single upward arrow.
And, the end of the page is the end of the page.
Life is messy, scrambled, circular, confusing and connected to other humans who make it even more messy and complex. Life also gets interrupted by a host of unplanned, unscheduled, un-asked for events and people – and then – it ends.
And, life, with its crises and failures is much like a desert. The winds of change are forever reshaping the soft landscape and if you were to ever find yourself in the proverbial desert only your inner voice – or compass – will guide you to your next oasis. No straight line or mountain peak will get you out of there, no external “should’s” and no-one else’s tips either – this is your walk. You’ve got to learn to listen to your gut and admit you’re on the wrong course, change direction, and sometimes walk sideways before taking on the next dune. And know that you are going to get sand in your eyes and mouth. #anotheronebitesthedust
Think of your own deserts you have had to cross and think of the things that guided you to where you are now. You are a whole lot braver than you think you are! You’ve done stuff that needed serious guts. Like getting married, or changing jobs, or leaving home and studying far away from friends and family. We can all recount experiences that demanded personal bravery and you can draw on those resources when thinking about what you want to be doing.
For every shift that happens in your understanding of happiness and living a full-er life, power is taken from one area and given to another because two truths (or thoughts) cannot coexist or be valid at the same time. Just like you can either make money doing what you love doing or you can make complaints and excuses. You can’t do both. And the beauty of this is you get to choose. Choose wisely or else you might get to the end of your arrow on the page wishing you had another clean sheet of paper – or an eraser.
And. You going to the drawing board is only good when you know what it is you want, decide to do it and take your first step in that direction. Remember to draw dotted lines, fill the gaps with what you already have, what you need, how you think you can get them, who can help you, by when you would like to get them done, and, how you’re going to keep the momentum going – especially when life interferes. Oh, and remember to do this in pencil and to carry an eraser around with you. You’re going to need both. Often.
Finally my advice: tune in to your inner voice or “compass”. It is showing you the way, and I know this; it isn’t pointing to what you think you should be doing. The needle is pointing to what you want to be doing because that, when the sand-storm is over and the dust-clouds have settled, is what you really should be doing.
When in doubt ask yourself this: Is what I am doing right now, bringing me closer to my goals?
And remember you are braver and way more brilliant than you think!
I wish you a colorful, sweet sounding, healthy, safe 2018 filled with the promise of fulfilled promises and goals and remember: it is never too late to start anything!
, your no-buts kick-butt cross-cultural competence coach!
* one way to inter- and personal mastery *
A lexical approach to discovering more about ourselves, our values, life, cultures and creating a better world through the words we choose to use.
Following up on “Confrontation Creates Conversation” (What’s in a word – What’s that you’re saying? Part 1) I thought it would be exciting to now, add a bit of POW! to make your conversations more wow!
POW! – can also be described as having clout, esteem, guts, pizzazz, say-so and “what it takes”.
Clout means to have influence, standing and authority.
Spellbinding – means to hold someone’s attention as if by magic. Also known as fascinating, enthralling, entrancing, captivating, riveting, gripping, very exciting, thrilling, absorbing, compelling, hypnotic and magical. Origins: dated back to the 1800’s from the words “spell” (magic) and “bind” (captivate).
Imagine that? You?
Sure you. Here’s how.
But first. Let’s start from the very beginning.
The full article on page 56 of the Business Goa Magazine!
Titles, entitlement and the sweet success of serving!
Discovering more about ourselves, our values, cultures and how to contribute to a better world through the sweet success of serving others. Written by Hester Bergh-Appoyer. Published in Business Goa Magazine, April 2017
Sweet success. Have you ever asked yourself why success is referred to as sweet? The sweet taste or smell of success? Here’s a thought. Some of us have stronger sensory filters than others, we can see, hear, feel, taste and smell success and there is the linguistic idea that sweet has been used metaphorically to refer to something pleasing since 888 CE. The earliest mention of it being used with success is 1684.
I started my career in an American company well known for its baby products and less known for its enormous global market share in surgical and optical products. But I’m not sure those “formative” years of my professional life, which have been the foundation of all my business interactions, were always to my benefit. Sometimes it served me sweetly, other times not.
So what was it that made such a big impact on my rookie mind?
It was the sweet sound of being called by my name. (Not the tone my mother used to use when she was less than pleased with me – but that is another read!)
On my first day at Johnson & Johnson I was welcomed at reception, shown around and taken to meet lots of people. Important people. I met truck drivers, warehouse packers and managers, kitchen staff, accountants, telesales staff and some of the big shots sitting in plush floored offices (bigger than my newly rented flat) as well as the CEO who was introduced to me by his first name. He already knew mine.
The embodiment of J&J’s company culture and credo is consistently demonstrated by the way they extend value to their patients, clients and employees. Click on “credo” above. Enduring mutual success is a spirit of serving that smiled and smiles through the offices and corridors in the sweet absence of titles and entitlement.
It was with this spirit to serve and eagerness to sample my own sweet success that I later went into the big wide world of international business.
Fast forward to Kuala Lumpur and I have joined an international educational institute as lecturer in charge and head of department for the business and marketing department. Sounds grand doesn’t it?
A lexical approach to discovering more about ourselves, our values, life, cultures and creating a better world through the words we choose to use.
Have you ever really, I mean really thought about the words you use? The ones you sow like weed seeds without thinking? Or. The power behind the words you use? Words that belittle, demean, remove dignity and if used “en masse” cause world fear – even war?
And, do you take the time to think about the words you choose to use? The ones you hand pick with care when you’re at your confident best and sure about what it is you want to communicate? The words that uplift, encourage, speak of love and peace.
You haven’t really had the time to pay it much attention have you?
connect. communicate. co-create – vienna | cape town | goa | new york
You know how sometimes the universe sends you a message as if you are the only person on the planet and the words were written just for you? Well not too long ago these words written by Octavia E Butler landed on my planet…
You don’t start out writing good stuff, you start out writing crap and thinking it is good stuff and then gradually you get better at it. That’s why I say one of the most valuable traits any writer can have is persistence!
That’s it. That’s the word. Persistence. I took great pride in my very own dog-with-a-bone tenacity in not letting some things go. I gave myself a hearty slap on the back for my knack in knowing how to go on and on like Tennyson’s “Brooke”.
And then I paused to ponder on the difference between persistence and perseverance.
This. Is. What. I. Found.
Like many other things in life – we need masses of sheer stupid persistence to keep something going. And I mean stupid. Persistence is that thing you’ve convinced yourself is a virtue. Persistence is that thing that keeps you mindlessly pursuing a cause (which you may confuse with purpose) with the expectation that the next time, or just one more time – with no end goal in sight – will be the time you get it right. Persistence is what causes you to stay in a bad relationship or in a job you hate. Persistence is exhausting.
7 THINGS YOU’RE DOING THAT GET YOU MORE REJECTION THAN AFFECTION
An excerpt from The Collaboration Kickstarter which offers straight talking tips on how to get real heartfelt collaboration – right from the start!
You’ve got it made.
Compliments like “you’ve done/achieved/come far…” aptly praise whatever it is that you define as being a success – at this point of your life – and up to now you’ve systematically ticked off the things that lure and promise eternal rewards and recognition. But. Not everyone is buying and in some areas of your life – be it work or play – you’re getting more rejection than affection.
Family, friends and some colleagues are always going to support you with things you want and like to hear. That’s why they’re still on your party invite list. Unsavoury and un-nice behaviour can be dismissed with a host of adjectives. And, to support you, you live in a world that promotes and perpetuates wonderful and awe-inspiring you. But. You know and I know that you are still turning people off. Relax. You’re human and you really are awesome but you might be doing too much of one of the following: blowing your royal trumpet, taking too much, talking ill of others, too right, righteous and opinionated, making too many excuses, demonstrating favouritism, bias or racism, and last but not least, whinging too much. Which one is it?
Cultural core values are a huge big thing when it comes to honesty and harmony. Just like cultures differ in what they value as nice or not, some cultural groups demand a more straight forward tell it like it is way of talking while others, appreciate a more…
Ever wondered why some of us do what we do?
Simon Sinek in his book and Ted Talk “Start With Why” asks us to imagine what it would be like if we could all learn to think, act and communicate like those who inspire? Imagine that! Thinking, acting and communicating like leaders! For someone like me – in fact anyone working in the world of communication and getting people to say what they mean and mean what they say with heartfelt clarity – this idea is super important!
Why did Simon write his book? He mentions that he hopes to inspire others to do the things that inspire them so that together we may build the companies, the economy and a world in which trust and loyalty are the norm and not the exception.
Why am I writing my book? I’ll get back to that! First this. Long before discovering Simon and his brilliant “Start With Why”, I had stumbled over my own – but – had silenced it with enough internal noise on not being good enough, qualified enough, researched enough, name-it-whatever-you-want-enough. I put my idea, and the why I thought it urgent then to write a book, on the back burner. But then my why started burning my butt. Badly. In that time I read Simon’s “why”, got the inspiration and a no-but kick-butt call to action – just like he sets out to do. Mission accomplished.
Why risk making a fool of myself?
Why risk exposing myself?
Why risk making myself more unpopular than popular by making others feel uncomfortable in their comfortable realities and truths?