Skills and Language Training

27
Feb

Conditioned Communication = Unconscious Communication

Conditioned Communication = Unconscious Communication

You can only create choices when you consciously disengage from conditioned and conditional thinking!

Just like conditioned communication = unconscious communication, conditioned thinking = unconscious thinking. It is not mindful, nor present thinking. It is a repetitive repetition of re-actions you feel compelled to enact or react to, because you have been conditioned to think that this is the way things are done. Or the “right” way.

Conditioned is unconscious.

How do you know you’re doing this?

Think about what you’re doing and saying and then think about where it comes from and why.

Hear any familiar voices?

Feeling an old pain?

And so, over time, we become bogged down and stuck?

Why?

We keep making the same mistakes because we keep doing things unconsciously.

Our minds, conditioned by our experiences and past, filters out everything that isn’t familiar – no matter how painful. We stick to what we know. And the more we do that the more we believe we are right and justified in our “choices” or decisions.

Here’s the real problem – the universe will collude with you and give you all the back up you need to prove yourself right.

How very limiting

Conditionals start with “if” and there are different types of “if”.

If #1 is when we talk of things that are obvious in logic, fact, always true or they serve as a threat or warning. To make your “if” sentences sound all the more serious you replace the “if” with “when”.

If #2 is when you talk about future events that you are sure will happen. This is the “if” you use when you are making projections and forecasts into a future you really have no say over. Madness I tell you. It is all a cover up because your mind has no control over the future unknown and so it sticks and stays with what it knows. It remains afraid. And when you are afraid you don’t have choices.

If #3 is when you refer to future events that are hugely unlikely or a hypothetical dream you wish would come true.

If I had more time in my day I would…

And then you stop yourself because you hear a voice telling you it is whimsical, self-indulgent crazy shit.

If #4 is when we refer to past events that we regret or criticize.

When you are compelled to (still) act according to your conditioned thinking you’ll continue thinking, and speaking, in the 2nd and 3rd conditionals and then, much later, years from now, you’ll start speaking in the 4th!

Do you really want to do that?

You can make the new crazy shit a beautiful new reality by starting now, right here in your conscious present and taking steps in the other direction. One new brave courageous step at a time.

But, you absolutely need to take the other route.

Would you like to get some pointers on how to make making choices and decisions and going after crazy new shit more exciting? More fulfilling?

Contact me. And don’t if around for too long – there is, after all, no time like the present!

PS – None of this has to do with intelligence. There are highly qualified people who are disconnected from themselves and others. Unconscious connections through conditioned and learned behavior.

 

Hester Bergh-Appoyer

speaker | coach| cross-cultural connector | writer

vienna | cape town | goa | new york

23
Jan

The “Con” in Consent and Other Agreements!

The “Con” in Consent and Other Agreements!

“con” as found in consent – is also known as to deceive, bamboozle (love that), swindle, cheat, fool, mislead, sweet-talk, trick, double-cross and rip-off. It dates back to the 1500’s which was frequently used in establishing the “pros and cons” of something which, going back to its roots, means that “con” is against, in opposition to and opposed to.

“con-sent” comes from the Latin “comsentire” – “com” = with and “sentire” = to feel in other words to feel together, agree or give permission.

The weakness in “con-sent” is that the content of the “con” can be stronger than, or even work against, the feeling of together-ness and mutual agreement. “Con” can be you giving someone, albeit unwittingly (unintentionally), the permission to “con” you. Or someone can allow you to do something but work against you and hold you in contempt (mock, scorn or be disrespectful).

And then, more often than not, the agreement becomes a “dis”. Con-sent ends in dis-agreement, dis-con-tent, dis-approval, dis-sent, dis-pute, an eventual dis-allowance filled with regret and dis-appointment that leads to dis-integration of all that was meant and intended well. Ouch!

Think about this when negotiating or trying to reach consensus with individuals and also with close friends or family members. A lot of agree-ing might be happening only because the need to be liked or accepted is greater than the possible dis-satisfaction later.

Consider the amount of “con” you communicate and con-tribute in your interactions and activities. If there is more dis-appointment and dis-sent than you care to deal with, you can change the way you say “yes” to things.

Want to know more? Contact me here. Remember: words have power and the right words empower! 

Regards,

4
Jul

What’s In A Word – What’s That You’re Saying? Part 2

Choosing the spell-binding POW!er of words because you can!

 A lexical approach to discovering more about ourselves, our values, life, cultures and creating a better world through the words we choose to use. 

Following up on “Confrontation Creates Conversation” (What’s in a word – What’s that you’re saying? Part 1) I thought it would be exciting to now, add a bit of POW! to make your conversations more wow!

POW! – can also be described as having clout, esteem, guts, pizzazz, say-so and “what it takes”.

Clout means to have influence, standing and authority.

Spellbinding – means to hold someone’s attention as if by magic. Also known as fascinating, enthralling, entrancing, captivating, riveting, gripping, very exciting, thrilling, absorbing, compelling, hypnotic and magical. Origins: dated back to the 1800’s from the words “spell” (magic) and “bind” (captivate).

Imagine that? You?

Sure you. Here’s how.

But first. Let’s start from the very beginning.

Read more

11
Jan

Newsletter January 2015 – NYRs and falling in love…beCOS it matters!

Calvin-Hobbes-New-Years-Resolutions

Welcome to 2015 with SALT!

Remember the days when it was easy to fall in love with everything and everyone? Remember when you used to get really excited…like jump up and down excited…wave your arms in the air excited…grin from ear to ear and laugh out loud excited…like on the day you got your first valentine’s card or your first car or the yes to that “dream” job you so badly wanted?

Do you remember the time?

Remember how you wouldn’t listen to any “words of warning” or have any place for negativity? How present you were? How curious, open and spontaneous you were? How you washed the car weekly and walked around at work with a spring in your stride and your shoulders high? And how it all changed over time?

As we approach every New Year we do mental scans over the year done as well as mentally project into the year ahead with the eager anticipation of personally designed changes – just like a new English vocabulary book with 365 pages for your new SALT course or seminar. Did you enthusiastically set yourself some NYRs on the 1st of Jan? Or have you already given up because, despite the fact that you have set them SMART-ly or according to other expert models, they (still) don’t work…the vocabulary book’s somewhere at home or in the office…the short and tragic life of a new year’s resolution…RIP!

Here are some interesting stats on NYRs (seems the Europeans aren’t particularly keen on being transparent about things like this). Not exactly an impressive success rate for the millions of people that kick off each January 1st with the best of intentions.

stats NYR

You know why? There are really good expert explanations like…

– Scientific studies have shown that you’re not attending enough SALT skills seminars and communication courses

– You’re being too vague

– You fear failure,

– You procrastinate

– You’re not hanging in there long enough, 21 days to be exact, to reap the rewards of the new habit(s) AND

– You’re formulating  your goal or New Year’s resolution with modal verbs e.g. must, should, have to, ought to, need to etc. You seriously rebelled against a parent part or others telling you what you should or must not do so why do you think your own “instructions” are going to work?

…but the one that is never mentioned is that falling in love is also the secret to success. That’s right. Fall in love and feel it with all your senses. I realise it sounds crazy to tell a business person to fall in love but you know as well as I do that if half the managers had to fall in love with goals and plans what a wonderful place our working world would be! Close your eyes and imagine a person freshly “in love” (frisch verliebt) – they are delightfully energising and carefree and they swoop us up with all that feel good stuff they’re feeling!

Fall in love with your goals. Fall in love with the things you want to achieve because, just like your first love, your first car and that dream job you got, you will be prepared to put that little bit of “extra” into whatever it takes to make it happen.  Fall in love like in the beginning.

But, before you do that, do this little check. Ask yourself these questions:

– What do I really want? Start your answer with “I want……”

– What does that mean for me? Is it the beginning or the end? Think about this carefully. If you think something (your marriage / relationship / job) is over, finished, the end you’ll treat it like that, but if you treat it like it is a new beginning you will put the spark of passion back into success. All around you “new” things are filled with a different kind of energy to things thought of as point- and useless!

– What am I prepared to do for it i.o.w how badly do I want it?

– What will be different/better if I achieve it, and what will happen if I don’t?

If you clarify these points, you’ll either make and succeed in your goals…or you won’t.

In my next newsletter I’ll be telling you more on the “neuro-science” of why resolutions and some goals fail, why we hinder ourselves from achieving our goals, why we procrastinate (self- and time management) and I’ll give you good tips on how to integrate new habits so that they stay – for as long as you want them to! Science it is but you don’t have to be rocket scientist to succeed!

I wish you lots of falling in love in 2015 beCOS it matters. Remember to be curious, be open and spontaneous. Also to be present and to look out for our skills and language offers – beCOS it really matters.

Good things are going to happen!

HestersigTransprnt

good-things-are-going-to-happen_frame

PS: So where does this all new year resolution stuff come from anyway? This tradition is woven deep into our heritage going back to the Babylonians who promised their gods that they would return borrowed items and pay their debts at the first of the year, the knights of the Medieval period renewed their vows to chivalry and the Romans made their promises to the god Janus for whom January is named.

4
May

Home

Connect. Communicate. Co-create.

WELCOME  TO MY WORLD

I support people in cultivating cross-cultural collaboration through clarity in conversation.

My work in

South Africa, South East Asia, India and the European Union

has shown me that

  – real interpersonal connection can only happen through open curiosity and clarity of intention –

   – intercultural savvy  goes beyond sharing a common language and “being nice” –

   – your cross-cultural success relies on how well you know yourself –    

   – competence creates confidence and credibility –

I Thoroughly Enjoy…

writing ♥ connecting ♥ co-creating ♥ business mentoring ♥ coaching & facilitating


WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU?


Why I do what I do

To facilitate a change for the better people need to change their thinking and to change collective thinking demands a change in the conversations they are having. This leads to a “rewiring” of the brain (mindsets) and ultimately generates new (and better) behaviors.

What I do

In a nutshell? “cultura”(Latin) which comes from the verb “colo” or “colere” means to tend, care, look after and cultivate. Culture is the way things get done around “here” and the way things get done over “there”. I support people in bringing their ways of doing things, together – a.k.a team alignment. I tend to, look after and cultivate cross-cultural collaboration through clarity in conversation.

What others say

They say you’ll get excited, inspired to “get moving” by my frank yet encouraging no-buts, kick-butt style!

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